Imagine an invisible fence set around yourself, with a single gate that is shut and locked, with only you in possession of the key. How does that make you feel?
When we have good personal boundaries, then we’ve set a space around us that we control. We tell those around us they can go only so far, and no further. Not that we’re alone, but it’s up to us to open the gate, and we get to decide who comes in.
The problem is, that the world has a way of pushing against that fence. There will always be people who want more of your time, more of your energy. More of you. Thankfully there are things you can do to guard those boundaries and keep them strong.
1. Guard Your Boundaries - Identify your limits.
It’s impossible to guard what you haven’t even defined. The trick here is to define those limits clearly and succinctly. Knowing how much time and energy you have to give to a situation or a person is a huge factor.
For example, you might want to spend some time with your family. But a boundary too vague is impossible to protect. But by clarifying the goal down to “Saturdays are family time” you know what you’re protecting (time with your family). So, with things that do come up on Saturday that do not involve the family, it's suddenly not so difficult to say no.
2. Guard Your Boundaries -Be straightforward.
Never let someone push your boundaries without your permission, and when it does happen, take direct and clear action immediately. Anytime your boundaries are threatened, it’s time to open a dialogue with the violator. That gives you the opportunity to verbally reset the boundary in a way that makes it clear to the other person that the boundary is there.
It may feel scary at first but being direct with someone else will help to establish your boundary much more clearly.
3. Guard Your Boundaries - Pay attention to your feelings.
If you’re feeling like someone is violating your boundaries, ask yourself why. Go with your gut instinct here as you analyze your emotions. It’s very likely that what you’re sensing is a boundary violation that you need to address.
Something to keep in mind is that someone else may cross a boundary of yours but you will not recognize it until after. Often times it is in the reflection of a situation that is causing you to feel angry, violated, or drained that you can recognize where you were not clear about your own needs. This is normal and totally okay. Keep your reflections in mind so you can be more assertive the next time.
4. Guard Your Boundaries - Speak up.
When you feel like your boundaries are being violated, you need to say something as soon as you recognize your boundary has been crossed. If you don't say anything then how will the other person know the way that you need to be respected?
Communicating your boundaries is essential to having others respect them and protecting your personal sanity. After all, the best guard challenges all intruders. Being assertive now will save you a lot of heartache and problems down the road later.
5. Guard Your Boundaries - Remind yourself that you have a right to set boundaries.
Sometimes our boundaries have grown weak because we don’t feel like we have a right to set them in the first place. Permitting yourself to set the boundary will immediately strengthen it again. You are important and you are worthy of having firm, healthy boundaries that are respected by those around you.
Guarding your boundaries is an important part of living a life that’s not only healthy and happy but meaningful. Self-confident, strong people have solid boundaries that they protect. The sooner you exert your boundaries, the sooner people can stop using and manipulating you. Protecting your boundaries is probably one of the most effective tools you have toward realizing a happy and productive life. So, what are you waiting for? Set some boundaries for yourself today and see how it makes you feel.
Setting boundaries is only one self-care act you can do to nurture and meet your needs. I recommend putting together a toolkit you can refer to in moments you need it. It would contain all the tools you have for your own self-care. I created a self-care toolkit checklist to help you get your toolkit started.
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